Why Adam, Why?

After watching the original Mr. Deeds Goes to Town, everything I hated about the Mr. Deeds remake that I caught on an HBO multi-view immediately increased tenfold. It seems that since Adam Sandler had run out of "dumb-oaf-makes-good" stories on his own, he's also turned to remaking films that really have no business being remade (see The Longest Yard for further proof). Honestly, I'm sure the AWESOME-O episode of South Park is still more than available for ideas (I suspect that the 800 movie pitch ideas actually exist somewhere!).

Let's get to the problems with the awful things that happen in the remake of Mr. Deeds Goes to Town.

Small-Town Guy Inherits a Large Fortune - Let's Make Fun of the Small-Town!

In both movies, we have the small town vs. big city. In the original, it's really the cynicism and bitterness of the big city against the trusting and neighborly paced small town. Babe is a perfect foil in the original.

How does Adam Sandler "improve" this?

Mandrake Falls becomes idiot central. It's ihabitants are truly simple and apparently free from any intellectual pursuits as Sandler's version of Deeds never picks up on the fact that Babe's made-up small-town upbringing is lifted liberally from To Kill a Mockingbird. Everyone in the big city is money-hungry because Sandler really spent too much time mocking the small town to make that joke. Babe is reduced to a one-dimensional TV personality and was the first role Winona Rider took after her shoplifting controversy. For all I know, being forced to do this film was part of her overall sentence.

Deeds, Simple or Not?

Deeds in both films is from a small-town called Mandrake Falls. From here, they no longer bear any resemblance to one another. In the original, Deeds may not be the most sophisticated person, but he's smart enough to know a few things. He holds off an Opera Board convinced he'd just love to be recognized as a patron of the arts. He knows every lawyer approaching him has ulterior motives. He also recognizes sycophants when he sees them.

Adam Sandler's improvement?

Deeds doesn't even know what sycophant means. I'm not even sure he can read. Sandler wears this stupidity proudly, as if being smart is some sort of disease that we should immediately cure.

Something small, but very annoying...

In the original, Deeds makes a living writing poems for postcards and the like. It leads to an interesting confrontation in a literati bar with some other poets (and an eventual near-nude exploit where horses are fed donuts).

Adam Sandler's Improvement?

Deeds in this version merely aspires to selling greeting card poems. He writes horrid poem after horrid poem - the very kind the literati of the original imagine being written - only to have them rejected. This is all an incredibly horrible setup to a very obvious conclusion. It becomes the very joke that you weren't supposed to make in the original. Way to comprehend, Sandler!

And the major conflict...

In the original, Deeds ultimately decides to set up a charity where farmers who have lost their land can be given 10-acre plots to start anew. This is a charity he helms, hires staff to help run and individually questions each applicant to assure that they're a fit for his new venture. This is serious business for Deeds and something that he believes will help out the country as a whole. The lawyers have Deeds committed for incompetency and a trial begins to determine Deed's sanity.

Sandler's Improvement?

Deeds just decides to give the money to the United Negro College Fund in one-lump sum and run back to Mandrake Falls. He's decided he has little to no responsibility but hangs on to one share of his company so he can make a big speech in the film where the idiot hick makes a heartfelt speech that runs just long enough for a Deus Ex Machina ending.

So to Adam Sandler, two things:

1. Why? Really, are you so convinced that you can make a better version? You could have practically ported the entire script over and done just a far better job. Update a few political references and you're well on your way. Nothing you did was better, so why?

2. Stop. Seriously, just go back to the AWESOME-O episode. "There's this girl Adam Sandler is in love with, but it turns out she's a Golden Retriever..." If you recall, the executives went, "fantastic, we'll call it 'Puppy Love!'" That would have made just as much money and probably would have been much better. Stop remaking old movies, it makes babies cry.

That aside, Mr. Deeds Goes to Town is a brand of comedy that should still be able to be made. Political and social statements abound but it's instantly accessible without pandering to anyone. Gary Cooper is a perfect Deeds with a deadpan delivery that makes the switch from fish-out-of-water to taking-on-the-establishment to down-but-not-quite-out without feeling forced. Best of all, it's funny!

The Lost Seinfeld Episode

Okay, this one is on the list as a modern-retelling of the 40's romances, a new Pygmalion, the hooker with a heart of gold story and the return of the date movie.

That's all well and good. Don't get me wrong, every girl grows up wishing for the day that their special billionaire will stop and ask them for directions on Hollywood Blvd. where they happen to be turning tricks in their knee-high boots all so they can be asked to spend a week in the hotel only to be given a credit card so you can finally tell the Rodeo Drive Cadre just where they can stick it when you have the plastic power!

It's a common dream. What I think 1001 Movies downplays is the Lost Seinfeld Episode that was waiting to be filmed had the series just lasted another season. I think it would have gone something like this:

Episode 181. The Hooker
Production Code 1001

Jerry invites an Escort to the gang's "Just Paroled!" party on a whim, but discovers that she holds more Superman trivia than he ever imagined possible. In a bid to acquire this trivia for himself, he hires her for the week but refuses to tell the gang who she really is and why she's been living with him for a week. George decides to get to the bottom of this and when he discovers her ad in an alternative weekly, decides to enact the "best friends can double-dip the hooker" rule - Jerry's plans are put into immediate jeopardy. In the meantime, Kramer opens his "33 Flavors" ice cream shop next to a popular chain...

Yes, this is my downside to watching Pretty Woman whenever it's on TV (at last calculation, it plays approximately 22.4 times per day). I no longer see Phil Stuckey, I see George Costanza. Don't believe me? See for yourself:



Really, can't you see the arguement between George and Jerry now? Especially once George figures out that Jerry keeps her for Superman trivia and not for sex?

George: I'm helping you here! If she isn't sleeping with someone, it's an insult to her profession!

Jerry: Don't be ridiculous, you've spent the bulk of your life trying to get paid for not doing your job - it's what makes you happy!

George: And that's where you're wrong my friend! Think about it for a minute - you know how miserable I am! If someone had sex with me on the job, I'd be overjoyed!

And so on (what, did you think I was Larry David?).

Outside of that, Pretty Woman is what it is. At least Julia has one foot out the door when she realizes she's just another acquisition. This is easily dropped over a dozen roses and a white limo, but that's what the romantic comedy is all about, isn't it?

John Hughes Teaches Me Imporant Life Lessons

Most of your basic-cable channels have my number - if they play either Ferris Bueller's Day Off or The Breakfast Club, I'm theirs for the next two hours. It doesn't matter that I know the movies by heart, it doesn't matter if I start watching from the beginning, the middle or even at that part where Allison steals Andrew's patch - I'm watching whatever is left of the movie, lest I forget the important lessons John Hughes is teaching me.

Lesson Number 1: Live in a city, just don't actually live in the city. Nearly all of John Hughes's significant 80's films take place in a fake Chicago suburb (or, in the case of Planes, Trains and Automobiles just getting to Chicago is enough). Sure, you live in a city where you can get to the thriving metropolis via train in no time flat, but it's much better to experience the bulk of your angst and zaniness in the safety of the suburbs.

Lesson Number 2: Diversity is best served in places other than the suburbs. Seriously, you can live in Chicago and meet Long Duk Dong from Sixteen Candles, but only after the grandparents freely admit foreign exchange programs are great for free help around the house. If you're especially progressive, you'll go wacky and pretend to be the Polish Sausage King! Either way, it's a Wonderbread World that we all live in when John Hughes is filming.

Lesson Number 3: There's nothing a makeover can't fix. Two girls that would never be friends, never speak and never voluntarily spend five minutes together? Not if there's eyeliner involved? Spend an entire afternoon not attracted to a girl who you believe to be mentally unstable - watch you change your mind and call her hot babe sexy girlfriend when she has her hair pulled back! Have an awful habit of being a drug dealer - not when you get a 1 carat diamond earring...wait, I think that doesn't change anything. Then again, you can always make yourself a life makeover playmate with your computer...

Lesson Number 4: When you have problems, it will always lead to monologues which help others, like, relate. Yes, your dad may be an abusive alcoholic that only budgeted enough to buy you a carton of smokes for Christmas, but you'll use that story to teach others how a bad day can't compare to your bad life! Been a total doormat to your charismatic best friend that has probably been using you since the third grade because you have all the great stuff - he'll realize how much of a heel he's been when you learn that he's willing to destroy a classic Ferrari over just how ignored he's been his whole life. Been left behind in an event that would have any functioning CPS Agent at your home in 30 seconds - not once they hear you talk about the heartwarming lesson you learned about family while torturing grown adults!

Lesson Number 5: No matter how little they take advantage of the city they live in, no matter how whitebread it is, no matter how many makeovers one must endure...you're give anything to find your own Shermer, Illinois for a little while.

This is the enduring allure of John Hughes. He made a world where even the worst of situations is easily fixed. You make fast friends, you have conflict and it all works itself out and life lessons are learned along the way. Something broke forever when he made Curly Sue (I blame Jim Belushi), but maybe that's the way John Hughes was supposed to end things as a director. Much like the allure of Shermer, one can only see and do so much before you begin to really question things.

1001, I'll see you in detention on Saturday. ;-)

Really?

Full Disclosure: There were two films in particular that I wasn't really looking forward to watching when I went through the book: The Passion of the Christ and The Sound of Music. I have watched one and I'm waiting awhile before taking the plunge on my singing nun.

That being said, this hesitation wasn't out of some too-cool-for-school anti-religious conviction. I'm down with Jesus, baby or adult. I'm just not down with crazy people talking to me about what Jesus thinks of my day-to-day life. Nor am I down with really crazy people telling me what Jesus thinks by protesting at funerals. Above all else, I'm definitely not down with crazy people pretending they've talked to Jesus and Jesus has passed them a message I need to hear since (last I checked) I'm more than available to take messages from the Son of God. Bottom line, I wasn't looking forward to seeing 2 hours of pure torture to remind me that the beginnings of Christianity really took off with the gruesome death of one man.

I can remember a co-worker saying to me (when trying to tell me I needed to see The Passion in the theater), "it really makes you appreciate what He went through after seeing the film." I wanted to say, "really? Are you honestly telling me that you thought Crucifixion was the lethal injection of the day?" I didn't say that out loud simply because he'd looked at me with such an earnestness in his face - that conversation wasn't the place for snarkiness.

I find it odd that 1001 states, "some scenes don't wholly work, of course - a flashback to Jesus showing his mother a tall table and chairs that he has made which she thinks will never catch on..."

Wait.

Before I get to the utter stupidity of that sentence in 1001, let me explain what Last Temptation of Christ is doing pictured here. Yes, I know it's not on the list. Yes, I know Scorsese already has 8 movies on the list. But let me explain why this one should be on the list instead of The Passion of the Christ.

Temptation caused a fury when it was released. Every major church denounced it, death threats were made and every good Christian in the world was discouraged from seeing the film lest they see a blasphemous portrayal of Christ. Yet, The Passion was required viewing, no matter how young because a graphic depiction of crucifixion is always better for you than a movie where you might see Christ supposedly acting un-Christ-like.

Yet I will tell you six ways to Sunday that Last Temptation should move you far more than The Passion does when looking for a nice spiritual boost. Mel Gibson gave us a man willing to go through any form of torture to ensure salvation. Martin Scorsese, on the other hand, shows us the one thing that Christ came close to accepting in lieu of having to go forward with the torture.

So what does one offer the Son of God that can turn him away from his destiny? For the protesters, it looked like little more than a puerile desire to sleep with Mary Magdalene. In reality, the only thing Christ could turn his back on the human race for was the ability to become human himself. To become human, to marry, to have children, to work a job, to grow old and to die in his sleep surrounded by family.

Let that sink in.

Think about it some more, because this is huge. Satan tempted with power, dominion, wealth - anything one could possibly imagine and it was offered 100-fold. But what does the Son of God want? To live a completely normal, boring life that any of us are in the middle of living at any given moment.

I can't stress this enough - our mundane, every-day lives were THE temptation. Imagine this, someone says, "in exchange for a little favor, I can let you get married, have a few kids, make a living and die in your own bed." You'd immediately counter with, "I totally have that on my plate now and I've got offers from at least 3 other deities involving power, money and dominion over Brazilian super models." Last Temptation still sticks to the family-job-everyday life combo. Do you get the gravity of how amazing YOU were to him in Scorsese's version of events?

I'll bottom line it - if your life is the greatest temptation that can be offered, doesn't it mean that you should realize that you're here to enjoy the experience? Of course, if you're constantly worried about the after-life and staying good and a bajillion other laws laid down in Leviticus, that becomes rather stressful. Much as he wanted that life, the Son of God said, "you know what, leave the after-life to me. You no longer have to worry about it. Now you can simply get on with the business of finding those joys in life." Amazing stuff if you stop and think about it.

So back to the table scene so "out of place." It's great because it gives a brief glimpse into Christ's humanity. The joy he got at knowing he was inventing something new and watching the surprise and laughter that such an idea created in his own mother. This was a moment for Christ to relish in the face of torture - and not at all out of place unless you were looking for a two-hour snuff film.

I watched The Passion. It wasn't horrible, but I found no real spiritual epiphany. I will never get why you'd rather stress the ability of man to torture man over the pure wonderment that the Son of God found in humanity, but maybe that's just me...

Where I Stand (Feb 1 Edition)

Remember how I said a ton of stuff was "probably" going to stay on the DVR until February? Yeah, you should know that "probably" means, "well, since it's there I can totally go ADD and check out whatever I want from the library plus I totally need to find out what's happening with Jeff Conway on Celebrity Rehab and then I should really reorganize the shelves..."

Still, there have been accomplishments.

303 Movies watched - that's 20 movies in one month.

Favorites watched this month? Riget (The Kingdom), M and Old Boy.
Husband's Favorites? M, The War Game, Get Carter

Still checked out from the library:

Soldaat van Oranje (Soldier of Orange) DONE
Whisky Galore! DONE

And left on the DVR?

Les Invasions barbares (Barbarian Invasions)
Written on the Wind
How Green Was My Valley DVR-MALFUNCTION
High Society DONE
It Happened One Night
L'Avventura
The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie
An American in Paris
Harold & Maude DONE
Breathless
Ride Lonesome DONE
L'eclisse
Mean Streets
The Bigamist
Deconstructing Harry
Swing Time
Breaking the Waves

Don't worry, some of these may still be on come March.